breaking out

I feel as if I have been under a spell for 17 years.

With the new year approaching, I was trying to think back at the last moment I was truly happy--when was the last time I didn't have a worry in the back of my head, when was the last time I was able to enjoy the company of my friends and family and be in the moment...
Sadly enough, I can't really think of a time. I presume it was before I moved to a different country 17 years ago. I can only presume because I don't remember having this constant feeling of unhappiness before the move. It was a wonderful country don't get me wrong, but for me, at the age of 10, the move to such a far away place with a drastically different culture was traumatic.

Ever since I moved, after spending my childhood in the suburbs of the midwest 17 years ago, I seemed to have turned off a part of my life with a switch. I was literally dead. I had to forget about what I was familiar with, everyone I loved, everything I enjoyed doing because if I didn't, I'd be crying every single day alone in my bedroom. And what would I get out of that?!
So I picked myself up, buried my sorrows and told myself I would move on and do the best. It was comforting to get other people's approval so that's what I started doing. Surprisingly, my adjustment to the different country was extremely successful. As a child of parents who seemed unconcerned about the harshness of the big move to a child, I did remarkably.

I excelled in all my classes, was class president every year except when I renounced my candidacy, passed the test to attend the best high school in my city, and was the only student at my high school to receive an early decision acceptance to a prestigious university in Seoul. To my parents, I bet you I was a dream come true. There were other children who had moved from the U.S. and many of them ended up moving back because of the harsh adjustment.

But those years of my life in that country that others admired, to me were days and years of constant struggle. It was a struggle of suppressing any happy memories of my childhood and burying my longing for a life back in the U.S. In order to ease that struggle, I now realize as I write this out, that I lived mindlessly, not paying attention to any of my feelings. Sadness would put me behind. No one wants to see a sad little girl reminiscing about her childhood so many moons ago.

To make up for the neglect of my feelings I just started conquering one accomplishment after another thinking I was doing the right thing when everyone would praise me for them. Looking back, it's as if I were a machine. What could I accomplish, what would make me proud of myself, what would people approve of... If I could go back, I would tell myself to pay attention to my feelings. Why did you ignore them YB! What did all those accomplishments bring to you. What use if I can't be happy.

As the new year approaches, I hope I can break out of my habit of ignoring my heart. I want to live in the moment; I need to do things for myself and enjoy while I am doing it; I will choose things according to what my heart tells me and not my head. I will be true to my heart, true to myself and break out from this awful spell.
Yes, that'll be my New Year's resolution.